How many times have you heard about how important feedback is? And how crucial HOW feedback is given?

Behind the Giving and Receiving of Feedback are hundreds of books and courses that are conducted internally in all contexts where people are expected to improve some of their behavior, skills, performance. This means, practically, anytime and anywhere, at any age and in both personal and professional spheres.

The phrase of Ken Blanchard, author of “One Minute Manager” and world-renowned management consultant, is well known,

feedback is the breakfast of champions.

which I reported in one of my articles a few years ago, the title of which was Growing from feedback.

You might rightly ask, how is it that I am returning to the subject of feedback? Indeed after several years it came to me a few days ago to make some remarks about feedback, renamed by some recently feedforward, and, in this case, not so much dwelling on HOW TO GIVE FEEDBACK, but HOW TO RECEIVE it.

You most likely know the structure of sandwich feedback with its three layers
1. I tell you what you did well
2. I tell you what you can improve
3. I give you positive reinforcement

and/or other ways of giving constructive feedback, i.e., that it helps and encourages people to do better, to correct their own course. Equally, in all likelihood, you have already heard that those who receive feedback it is only right and proper that they respond only THANK YOU. Without countering, without giving explanations or alibis of any kind. Even, in Netflix’s 4 A’s model, cited in the book The Only Rule is There are No Rules by Reed Hastings and Erin Meyer, 50% of the model is devoted to HOW TO RECEIVE FEEDBACK. In fact, the first two A’s are for who gives the feedback:

  1. Aim to Assist
  2. Actionable (actionable)

The third and fourth are about who receives it:

3. Appreciate (appreciation)
4. Accept or Discard (Accept or discard)

But in real, everyday reality, at home or in the workplace or with friends…, what really happens when we receive feedback? How do you really react to a person giving you feedback?

Assuming, of course, that it depends on WHO the person is who is giving you the feedback and HOW they are giving it to you, how do you react within yourself first and how do you externalize your reactions later?

And here are some thoughts I have had in recent times observing myself and others in receiving feedback.
What have I noticed about me and in me? I have noticed that, even though I place immense value on feedback, a part of me sometimes feels “touched” deep inside, as if in those few seconds it feels a sense of “uncovering,” “vulnerability,” “defect,” or “shame” (or many other kinds of depowering emotions), as if it feels the need to “defend” itself even when it is not experiencing any attack. Another part, fortunately mostly prevalent, is “hungry” for feedback and knows that everything it has learned over the years it owes to feedback from people who have been part of its journey, its path of personal and professional growth. Certainly, there are a few seconds, sometimes minutes, of inner conflict between these parties or some sort of emotional turmoil. Being aware of this helps me to “detach” and refocus. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I don’t. And it is precisely when I can’t that getting defensive, adding explanations, alibis turns the sandwich into a not-so-great omelet.

What have I noticed in others? In all honesty, in the last few months I have seen several people who, like me, are often found teaching others how to give and receive feedback, and yet, when it came to receiving it, it was a snap to turn that sandwich into an omelet. So it was “the other person who had focused on the wrong things,” “who wanted to see only the things that were wrong,” “who didn’t have enough experience to express that feedback,” “who had negative energy,” and so on, “flipping” the focus of the conversation exactly 180°: no longer the feedback received at that moment but the feedback to be returned to give back. Instead of the simple and succinct THANK YOU.

I borrow a phrase from Stephen Covey that I find meaningful relative to receiving feedback:

It takes humility to ask for feedback. It takes wisdom to understand it, analyze it, and act appropriately.

Saying THANK YOU does not mean agreeing, it does not mean that what is said is gold-plated; it just means the expression of gratitude for someone who has taken the trouble to give you feedback, who has spent their time doing so, who, for one reason or another, cares about you improving and growing.

Accepting or rejecting feedback, modifying or not modifying behavior based on the feedback received may be a later evaluation. Don’t you think so?

Thank you, 🙂

Emanuela

 

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